this is what ed thinks

TEN YEARS MAN TEN... TEN YEARS!

2007-07-28T20:07:46Z

We are now mere hours away from my 10 year high school reunion...

I should have written this much earlier and filled it with predictions and snarky commentary of things to come...

But I'm leaving to get dragged up and down the basketball court by my father soon, so you'll have to settle for this heads up that a full debrief will be coming afterwards.

ed
working on
cover story about
life as an astronaut,
millionaire, third baseman in the
russian summer leagues

Nicknames dictate greatness. Or is it the other way around?

2007-06-15T07:55:02Z

I absolutely could not possibly care any less about the NBA finals. My heartfelt thanks go out to Cleveland for rolling over and dying as quickly as humanly possible.

The NBA is already a fairly unwatchable product. Add to that a man whose nickname is "The Big Fundamental" and I'm officially uninterested. I mean c'mon... this is a sport that has given us some of the great nicknames in sports history:
Magic Johnson
Air Jordan
Pistol Pete
The Answer
Agent Zero (although I think he gave that one to himself, which makes it dubious)
Dr. J
The Iceman (not Val Kilmer)
The Pasty Gangster
Clyde the Glide
the Dream
the Admiral
Half Man Half Amazing (known pejoratively as Wince Carter)
the Hawk
the Human Highlight Film
Nate the Great
The Round Mound of Rebound
World Be Free! (to be fair I think that one was his actual name... but still, it's fucking rad)

These names give off an air of excellence. A proud tradition and history from streetball legends to NBA dynasties... and the best you can come up with is a name that evokes images of a well placed two handed chest pass and a picture perfect lay-up drill.

So fuck you Tim Duncan. Fuck you Spurs. And fuck you NBA. Go rest up from your long ass post season... I'm pretty sure the pre-season starts in about 45 minutes.

ed
watching
baseball
highlights

P.S. Yes. I left Karl Malone off the list on purpose. Fuck him, his monster truck, and his aspirations towards Pro Wrestling.

Just like any other... but my words are pretty.

2007-05-22T07:36:37Z

This entry comes to you courtesy of good gin, cheap tonic, bottled lime juice, sausage sammiches, Firefly dvds, and insomnia.

As a now former coffee jockey I find myself occasionally staying up past the ungodly hour of 9pm. Lucky for you that means more non-sensical musings from me. And less productive use of your internet time than ever before.

So as I said I'm no longer slinging lattes to the chi chi masses of Walnut Creek, which comes as a disappointment to no one. This change was brought about by new opportunities presented to me as well as an inability to continue working without putting my immediate superior into a camel clutch and making him beg to make the pain stop.

So I moved on. And I feel great about it. About the only thing I'll miss is the people I worked with. A sentiment I expressed to my former co-workers in a note that was summarily removed by the aforementioned future camel clutch victim. So if you are or ever cross paths with any of my former co-workers please let them know that I miss them.

I also have a birthday iminent. I am fine with this. Although I've decided that this is the last year that I get older. From here on out I will either be getting younger or staying the same age. I am in control here.

I looooooooooove me some rambling, but the gin makes it worse, so i'll be signing off now.

I apoligize for the lack of actual content here. My coffee jockey manifesto is in the works... And it includes the phrase motherfucking latte at least once.

ed
gin soaked
and happy as a
well rested clam

out and about...

2007-02-13T21:27:16Z

things i have encountered so far today...

a post office that smelled like a 2 day old combo platter from a shitty taco cart.

a pair of charming gentlemen who seemed to be putting in overtime at their high paying jobs of crossing the street professionally.

a coffee shop that was out of coffee.

not one, but two near naps. or nappus interuptus as it is commonly known. once by phone call. once by what i can only imagine was a cement truck full of marbles, kittens, and firecrackers driving by.

ok, this one didn't happen to me, but i read about it and it's fucked up...
someone stole the fucking maltese falcon. sam spade's gonna find that fucker.

i think they finished the coffee... more later... maybe, but probably not.

ed
sipping
a nice hot
cup
of nothing

HALF TIME!

2007-02-05T01:09:46Z

i am much drinking!!!

GO BEARS!

prince is on. all is well. are reports true that he is a jehova's witness?

please reply.

ed
needing
beer and dip
and jerome!

work station 2.0...

2007-01-26T06:22:20Z

so i had to quickly hook up our second (soon to be primary) computer in order to get ahold of a file. in the process i inadvertently created the greatest work station in the history of man, woman, or beast (sabertooth tigers specifically were know for their kick ass home office set-ups).

observe:

and from another angle:

with the aid of wireless mouse and keyboard i have created a working envornment that is unequaled by any P.O.S. ikea abomination....

it is choice. if you have the means i highly recommend you create one for yourself.

ed
reclining whilst
typing...
jealous?

this makes me sooooo happy...

2007-01-04T01:01:34Z

ed
take me out
to the
ballgame

holly jolly etc...

2006-12-27T18:08:09Z

hope everyone had a jolly ho ho ho and whatnot.

mine was fabulous. i met this guy:

it was fun.

ed
dodging llama
spittle

getting warmer...

2006-07-25T05:44:33Z

t's fuckin H-O-T!!! i know it. you know it. every-fucking-one knows it. so can we please talk about something else.

"stay cool huh?"
"oooh... it's a scorcher"
"try not to melt"

GAH! we get it. it's hot. i don't care. i have a/c in my car, home and place of work... get the fuck over it!

so. for all you thermometer watchers out there here's what'cha do:

fill one cup with ice.
add gin.
add more gin.
seriously... keep pouring ya sally...
squeeze one lemon into glass.
top with a splash of sprite (or similar 2 for $2 safeway club card equivalent).
consume.
repeat as necessary (or even better as unnecessary... unnecessary drinking is the best kind of drinking).

ed
on my
third

p.s. i take not credit for this creation whatsoever... i stole this drink from the bespecticled man at red's java house... he is like unto a god to me.

slow ride...

2006-07-22T15:36:27Z

i have a new car. after months of wrestling with the legalities and impending doom of the mighty pathfinder (prounounced muh-nee pit) i have joined the rest of society and assumed a block o debt that i will likely not pay for several years.

this sort of things scares the hell out of me.

BUT... the right car cake along at the right price (thanks chelsea's uncle scott) so i threw my cap over the wall...

the new car: is a 2002 honda accord with power everything, 6-disc changer, leather, bells, whisltes, and a cupholder... a really nice cupholder.

for those of you scoring at home (and i figure we're about 5 years away from NO ONE understanding that saying), yes... this is a far better car than i deserve, have ever deserved, or will ever deserve. but it's mine, i love it, and you'll have to pry the keys from my cold dead hands...

soooooooo, this is the part of the blog where i promise to post pictures of the new ride soon, but i think we're all well acquainted enough to realize that follow through is not my strong suit so i'll spare you the false promises... for now.

ed
taking it
easy

p.s. some day might even tell you about the van...

a little something...

2006-06-30T03:50:08Z

bumper sticker i saw yesterday: "I PLAY PIANO".

that is all.

ed
playing
nothing

these are things that happened today...

2006-05-10T00:37:09Z

yoohoo and i engage in a furious exchange of text messages:

yoohoo: bumper sticker: god answers kneemail.
me: ram them.
yoohoo: i think it translates to god like blowjobs.
me: who doesn't?
yoohoo: i'm going to hell.
me: SHOTGUN!

verdict is in: tastykakes are quite good...

so, i attend semi-regular meetings of the the "ed's wicked hungry and needs something meat based almost immediately" club held at the walnut creek branch of the cheesesteak shop. as i pay for my hoagie and wait for the fine red shirted folk who feed my face to make good with the double stamps on my "eat a whole fuckload of sandwiches get one free sandwich card" i always notice the rather energetic signs that gleefully proclaim the fact that they have tastykakes. understand that these are not simple "hey by the way we have tastykakes if your interested... y'know... whatever" signs. these signs scream "WE HAVE MUTHAFUCKIN' TASTYKAKES BITCHES! Y'BEST BUY SOME BEFORE SHIT GET UGLY ALL UP IN HERE! WORD!"!!!

despite their rather aggressive campaigning i've never actually succumbed to the pressure. i've had hostess cupcakes, zingers,and the holiest of holy ho-ho's. how great could these tastykakes really be? i'll tell you. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! that's how great. i've just enjoyed something called a BUTTERSCOTCH KRIMPET. it was light a light airy cloud in my mouth covered in the most fabulous frosting you've ever had the pleasure of meeting. whoever invented this. where ever he lives. i would like to send him a thank you card. and maybe a mail order ham of some kind...

...

i think i had more, but i've been tragically interrupted at every turn... so that's all you get for now. be well. work hard.

ed
easily distracted...
oooh... shiny

FREE!

2006-05-04T17:18:26Z

FREE!

ok... i'm not a huge fan of reposting thing and calling it a blog, but this is a big one. so here it is.

this is half me pimping my place of employment and half me sharing my love of comics with the whole lot of you.

so here's all that:

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL COMIC SHOP AND GET FREE COMICS!

Free Comic Book Day is a celebration of an international art form and the literacy that comics encourage. The event salutes the medium's energy, vitality, and boundless creativity, and invites new readers to visit their local comic shops and see what comics have to offer.

Free Comic Book Day is THIS SATURDAY! The comic book industry has come along way in the last 10 years and we want people to experience this. Bring your friends, your family, your friends' family, and your family's friends!

If you're not sure which stores in your area are participating, go to the Free Comic Book Day website and check the FCBD Locator at www.freecomicbookday.com. Its located right at the top of the page!

If you're in the U.S. or Canada, enter your ZIP or postal code to find a store near you. If you're outside the U.S. or Canada, click on the link below the text box for a menu system that will help you find a comic book store in the other countries that are participating!

THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!

alright? are we still friends? have i sold out?

just one more thing: IT'S MOTHERFUCKING FREE!!! not with purchase, no boxtops to cut off and send in with a self addressed stamped envelope, no special club to join... nothing.

the steps are simple:

1. show up at comic shop
2. get free comics
3. THERE IS NO FUCKING STEP 3!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!? I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! IT IS TOTALLY FREE!

ed
free
for
all

hip hop you don't stop...

2006-04-16T19:51:22Z

easter greetings to you all my loyal subjects and assorted worshipers.

i was struggling with how to properly express my holiday greetings... were it a christmas missive i would lead with a hearty hohoho, for thanksgiving gobble gobble seems appropriate (because there is no real onomatopoeia for the first step down a long road of the rape and destruction of an entire culture), but for easter i came up empty. i abandoned hippity hop pretty early on for personal reasons (i'd prefer not to get into it), and the sounds of crucifixion and resurrection don't really have a sound i can replicate in any meaningful way, so we're back to rabbits.

rabbits make no noise that i'm aware of, at least not one as well known and regarded as say, bark, or moooo... essentially the rabbit is known for fucking and shitting. unfortunately, the last time i was in the presence of a creature who possessed those particular traits in excess i was in college and sharing an apartment with said person... and quite drunk... as such, i forgot to write down the exact sound effects drifting out from under his door... ah well.

and so with no animal calls, festive music, or halmark catchphrases i'll simply wish a happy easter to each and every one of you and may your chocolate bunnies be solid and not hollow. and may your cadbury eggs last until halloween.

ed
hiding easter
eggs inside your
head

today was a good day...

2006-04-11T20:46:07Z

plan for today:

*get drunk
*take nap
*watch cool hand luke
*don't cry when luke dies

likelyhood of full completion of plan: 14% (hint: i've got a fridge full of beer, i'm a little sleepy, and i own luke on dvd... what am a fucking robot...)

ed
beer

also... have fallen madly in love with pandora.com... discuss.

back

2006-03-28T05:30:04Z

hello my children! i am returned to you in all of my splendiferous glory!!!

my trip was amazing and there will be several full debriefs as the days go on and i put my thoughts in order and dry some (but not all of the) guinness out of my brain.

should you ever find yourself in ireland i highly recommend galway. beautiful city, gorgeous cathedral, and a pub every 4-5 steps...

ed
still drinking
in my heart

overseas...

2006-03-21T14:03:45Z

I AM IN IRELAND...

a completely incomplete list of things i've done, seen, and tasted (because i'm pretty sure this internet cafe is charging 44 euro per minute or something, but you are all worth it... not you angie)

have drank much guinness.

have touched, kissed, and drank from the all ireland club championship hurling.

have eaten and eaten and eaten. today was indian food... y'know, the stuff ireland is known for. FUN FACT: black pudding is not in fact pudding, but some sort of sausage composed mostly of pigs blood... it seems bill cosby should have told me something about this... maybe that particular pudding pop is still in the works...

have suffered from much jet lag. fell into such a deep sleep on the train that someone could've eaten my foot and i don't think i would've woken up.

did i mention the guinness?

met a young lass who i think tried to marry my dad to get back to the states... there may have been drinking involved.

went to mass a cathedral with a name to long to remember... amazing. even more amazing was the fact that i didn't burst into flames as soon as i set foot in the cathedral...

that's it for now. damn near 2 and i havn't had a beer yet. they might throw me out of the country for that...

ed

tiocfaidh ar la

edq13 @ 2006-03-13T00:52:00

2006-03-13T09:24:29Z

i am tired. tired of lies. tired of lying. tired of being lied to. i have trust issues. here are some things that i do not trust.

i do not trust the government (who does? stay with me... i'm warming up with the easy ones...)
i do not trust people who are happy ALL the time... you might think you are fooling everyone, but when you go home and cry and drink and cry you fool no one. I know what you do. i see.
i do not trust the dodgers.
i do not trust day old pastries. they seem like a really good deal... but you get what you pay for and now i'm throwing away two danishes.
i do not trust people who swear that they aren't lying to me.
i do not trust people who ask for money.
i do not trust people who say they're only looking out for my best interests. if you were really concerned with my best interests you would be holding a gin and tonic and a steak sandwich.
i do not trust people who don't ask for money.
i do not trust people who say that they are just like me.
i do not trust myself.
i do not trust salesmen. you aren't really selling me that tv are you? you're selling me your next car payment.
i do not trust people who don't read.
i do not trust artificial meats.
i do not trust the radio.
i do not trust you if you won't speak up for yourself.
i do not trust the metric system.
i do not trust soccer players.
i do not fucking trust people who don't fucking swear.
i do not trust you to finish reading this.

ed
untrustworty

not easy...

2006-03-10T18:39:55Z

these are the days when it's hard to go to work.

between jobs. highly caffinated just like jesus, mother nature and whoever else you're worshipping today intended. sun shining. air cold and crisp. windows down. blood on the tracks playing...

all i want to do is put my arm out the window and

just. keep. driving.

now i've got 20 minutes to shower, eat and get to other job...

at least michael made pancakes.

ed
8 days

don't waste your time...

2006-03-09T02:37:05Z

the following happens in realtime... i am ed. you'd be wise to just leave now. by the time you get to the end of this you'll realize that you can never have time back. ever.

it's important to understand that i had a plan....

it was a good plan. there was drinking involved. and relaxing. and comics.
alright fuck it. i was going to watch lost. i am late to the party on this one but i am a believer now. i am addicted. i started an account at hollywood for the express purpose of renting the dvds. i had finished the first three discs and i was ready to watch number four...

the motherfucking video store didn't have it. so now i'm drinking barleywine and typing this and trying to decide what to have for dinner.

and have you seen this show "parental control" on mtv? even though it's muted (headphones on...) i can almost taste how ridiculous it is...

cheeseburger? maybe.

ok. channel change. seinfeld's on... much better. it's the tuck/no tuck episode.

pasta was two nights ago...

a frightening number of my blogs are about or relate to food... do i write when hungry, or am a just a tubby glutton? these questions are rhetorical, feel free to keep your opinions on this particular matter out of my comments section.

pizza?

a humble request: i leave for ireland in a little over a week and feel the need for some new music to get me through the flight (ipod will be stowed immediately upon arrival on foreign soil)... suggestions? recommendations? free music? hit me.

who the fuck drinks barleywine? how did this get in my fridge?

my face has decided that it is 14 years old. it's like: "hey remember pimples? those were fun. here's a few to remind you how miserable you were back then..."

hunger and my bladder have gotten the better of me so i'll spare you any more of this. thanks for dropping by.

ed
you could've written
a nice letter to someone
you care about
in the time you wasted
here

on the clock -or- freedom is wirelessness does me little good when i'm stuck at work...

2006-03-08T02:24:47Z

this entry comes to you from work. i have lugged two ton "laptop" (and i put that in quotes because really if you put this thing on your lap it would relieve you of the ability to walk) to work so i have something to occupy my brain while working... or pretending to... or caring... or pretending to...

the special little latte addicts are even worse at night (i usually run the morning shift). the only thing worse than people who NEED coffee in the morning are the sad bastards who NEEEEEEEEEEEED it late in the afternoon and into evening. coffee is a morning drink. if you must then into the early afternoon. if you need a pick me up at night then drink a fucking redbull or do some goddamn crystal meth like a normal person.

that's all i have for now. someone is sweeping around my feet so i think maybe i should get out of her way.

this has not been my best work, but there's also tomorrow...

i have the whole day off.

there will be drinking.

and swearing.

and magic.

ed
trying to
create beer
by thinking
it really hard

p.s. i fucking hate skits on rap albums... more on that later.

don't do this...

2006-03-02T02:18:11Z

lukewarm coffee and string cheese is probably the worst breakfast ever...

even bacon couldn't save this "meal". and bacon can fix pretty much anything.

discuss.

ed
stomach sounds
like mt. vesuv...
vsuv... vasuuv...
mt. shasta.

survivors will envy the dead...

2006-03-02T02:16:37Z

fact: i spend most of my time being cranky.

fact: i have recently been told that my "at rest" face looks both scowly and intimidating.

fact: in an effort to counteract the above stated i have compiled a list of things i like. this is not a best of. this is not an all inclusive list. this is a 3 red stripe (HOORAY BEER) brain dump... enjoy. or look away...

*when i see a busted up el camino heading my way and as it gets a little closer i realize that it's sporting a raider's license plate or license plate frame... it's like peanut butter and jelly, bbq sauce and ribs, or miller high life and domestic violence... these things just go together so perfectly... it's beautiful in it's own way.

*when i get to the last bite of my breakfast burrito and find a hidden pocket of previously undiscovered bacon. there are many things i love about the breakfast burrito and most of them involve bacon... the rest involve the rare ability of a breakfast burrito to stay within the confines of the tortilla. maybe i need to adjust my grip... loosen up the claw a bit. i'd like to tell you that i don't know my own strength, but i do... it's quite low.

*waking up after a looooooong night out and realizing that not only did i not lose my comemorative pint glass, but i somehow managed to obtain a can of pabst along with it... mmmmmmmmm... free pabst.

*using a bidet for the first time and looooooving it... so clean... so nice... i may be pretty strongly opposed to eurotrash, but they got this one right.

*when something actually lives up to the hype. chime in here folks... when was the last time you heard nothing but great things about a new (or old) movie/book/cd/person/comic/tv show/friends' boy/girlfriend/resturant/flavor of taffy and it was actually just as good if not better than advertised? personally here i'm talking about the new issue of DAREDEVIL under the new writer artist team of brubaker/lark. i had the highest of hopes for this motherfucker and it abso-goddamn-lutely cleared every one of my expectations by leaps and bounds. nicely done gentlemen.

*the fact that i just this moment leapt from my chair and rescued a beer from the freezer that i had nearly forgotten about. good save ed... good save (sweet shit that's cold beer... mmmmmmm).

*that on my way back from the kitchen i glanced quickly at a discarded food box and for a moment i thought "eggplant cutletts" was "eggplant coulottes"... the image that danced across my brain was priceless for several seconds before it was erased by pleasure waves brought on by insanely cold beer.

*my new favorite resturant in chinatown. i'm not giving up the name because that place is already waaaaay too crowded and i know you, my loyal readers, would flock to it's location in a vain attempt to be a little closer to me at least in spirit. but basically this little man just appears next to your table and essentially TELLS you what you're having for dinner. the food is amazing and the tea is the best i've ever had. no i won't take you there.

*(last one... because even i'm bored with this) these rare little spells of ego i have in which i actually believe there are people who can't wait to read whatever brain juice i splash onto the keyboard.

discuss.

ed
i'll know it
when i see
it

born on the fourth of never...

2006-03-02T02:07:56Z

have been jumping through hoops and shredding red tape in efforts to obtain a copy of my birth certificate which for reasons unknown to me i do not posess... this little snafu has led some to speculate that i either do not exist or was never born...

anyone with any information about my birthing/hatching/creation out of ether, or verification of my existence in general should feel free to contact me directly... if such a thing is possible and will not make a giant mess out of space/time.

ed
wondering if someone
"wished i was never born"
and so it happened but the paper trail
just hasn't caught up with me yet

these united states...

2006-03-02T02:05:05Z

alright folks... i have a plan. it's a good plan. i believe it has merit. i've floated this idea around in that... what'dya call it... real world and it has been met with little more than skepticism, scorn, and all out mockery. so i've decided to put enter this idea into the vast pool of reason and decorum the kids lovingly call the interweb.

enjoy.

i've thought long and hard about it and i've come to a point in my life where i only have the mental and emotional capacity for one dakota. the time has come for DAKOTA UNIFICATION!!!
allow me to list the benefits:
point the 1st: the elimination of an unnecessary state. do we as a nation really need two dakotas? i think not. additionally, imagine the upside for north dakota. the southside (as i've been calling it) has mount rushmore and is significantly warmer... ok, maybe not significantly... but it's gotta be a little less frigid right? really, what do either north or south dakota have to offer that couldn't be just as well brought to the table by one big fat united dakota (hey... i smell a state motto in there somewhere)?

point the 2nd: when's the last time elementary schoolers had something new to learn in the field of US geography? why wait until san diego sinks to the bottom of the ocean or sentient trees lay claim to oregon? a united dakota gives children, the precious, precious children, something new to learn while awaiting the geologic/social/intergalactic disaster that will eventually reshape our world.

point the 3rd: for those of you worried our international status and supremacy--worry not! there are sub parts of this plan still in the works to keep our great nation at a nice round and comfortable 50 states. this will be achieved in one of two ways. either the induction of an outside territory as a US state, or the division of another state into two separate states. frontrunners for outside statehood are: puerto rico, canada, brazil, and france (personally i'm pulling for canada... they've wanted it for quite a while... they hide it well, but it's true.). as for state division we're still kicking some ideas around here at ed central, but your humble author would appreciate the splitting of california just so i can finally have some sort of state delineation between that vast beach of supposed superiority known as southern california... and dodger fans... fuck i hate those guys.

point the 4th: some stink has been made about the elimination of one of the dakota's state flags, or the creation of an all new flag. this is easily settled. we'll have a tug-o-war between north and south dakota. winner's flag becomes the flag of DAKOTA! in the event of a tie the flags will be stapled back to back and flown that way... everybody wins!

so who's with me? i'm taking signatures... line forms to the left... or is it the north.

ed
also planning on
turning wyoming
into a giant swimming
pool...
or jell-o mold...